by Charles Rubendall

Last week, Amedeo Arachide, known to most of the world as Mr. Peanut, filed a lawsuit against Planters, the peanut company, over its continued use of his likeness after his spectacular departure from the company in 2012. I met up with Amedeo on a dilapidated billboard to find him, not surprisingly, grinning like a Cheshire cat and naked but for his signature white gloves, spats, monocle, and top hat. “I’m going to take those accursed peasants for all they’ve got,” he told me conspiratorially.

Amedeo joined the company as its mascot in 1916 and served in that capacity until late October 2012. “I wanted to be a model,” Amedeo said, “but I was too much man for the era’s taste so I went with the whole peanut what-have-you on a lark. Selling peanuts made me feel like a prostitute, but I loved the attention. I guess that’s why I put up with it for 96 years.”

When I asked Amedeo why he had left the company when he did, he began to look physically ill. “They wanted to add this ugly bow-tie to my ensemble and give me sunglasses,” he said, shuddering. “Can you imagine? The bow-tie didn’t go with these shoes and how are sunglasses going to sell peanuts?”

Since his departure, Amedeo has been keeping a low profile and has not been seen in public since last October. “I’ve had my pout and now I’m ready to kick ass and take names,” Amedeo said exuberantly. “Who doesn’t love a little scandal?”

Will there be more peanuts in Amedeo’s future? “I’m all about pistachios now, honey,” he chortled rakishly, and added with a wink, “Brazil nuts when I’m feeling dangerous.”

Charles Rubendall is a freelance writer and professional eater residing in the West Village. He enjoys scrimshaw and shooting marbles. He doesn’t have any pets.

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